Good researchers ought to know better. The terms they allow their company spin doctors to use in describing the results of their work are studiously imprecise. When I see the language in presentations or press releases seriously misused, I immediately assume the math behind the work is just as faulty. The entire study, no matter how valid, has all the trustworthiness of the grand prize winner of the annual Liars Club contest.

For instance, I’ve been reading a lot of artfully constructed sentences about the changing American diet. To follow the language closely, you would believe that ham sandwiches are in immediate danger of disappearing. No more quarter pounders or heavily mayoed chicken salad, either. We’re all rushing to nonsense like “phoods and bepherages” and waiting with baited breath for the next fad diet now that Doc Atkins has fallen off the culinary map.

One such silly piece of research shows the tremendous growth of the natural foods business, reporting double digit growth for the last several years. No mention of the almost non-existent starting volume, though, or that what falls off the conveyor belt at Nabisco and Tyson on an average day outweighs the total annual production of most “natural foods” vendors.

The honest researcher, though, will admit that the vast majority of the American public eats like it always has. The changes in the top 10 menu items we consume have been one of rank only. The 10 items that appeared on most of our dinner tables 50 years ago are the same 10 items that appeared on most of our tables last week. We still love burgers and fries, ham sandwiches, turkey sandwiches with lots of mayo, and sodas.

OK, diet sodas have taken over a huge part of the soft drink market. “A number 3, super-sized, please, with a diet Coke. I just saved 26 calories!” That’s really going to tip the scales when my number 3 walloped my waist line with 1500 calories and enough fat grams to grease down a Greyhound bus.

Since we’re already a heavyweight society, let’s get after the heavyweight truth. Most of America is closely related to Dan Aykroyd and the rest of his cone-headed family. They’re delighted to “consume mass quantities.” Over the past 2 decades plenty of quick service restaurants have mistakenly bought into the health food craze and quickly gone broke. Does anyone remember Bo Jackson’s healthy eating fast food chain? It lasted less than his baseball career and was as distinguished as every unknown rookie that got called up for a cup of coffee. Does anyone remember when Tim Irish pitched for the Dodgers?

I didn’t think so.

During those same two decades, though, no one went broke serving mass quantities of mediocre food to an ever widening public. Fad diets came and went and I swear the same 2% of the population jumped on every one of them. The other 98% kept munching away.

I offer these points as proof. Airlines have had to expand the width of their seats to fit the new American. McD’s officials will quietly admit that those healthy salads have helped the sales of their less healthy burgers. People trot up to the counter and feel better that there are healthy options on the menu – obviously for someone else, though – and order their same old number 3 super sized with a diet Coke.

Hardee’s and sister QSR Carl’s Jr. ignored the whole health food trend and offered something called a Monster Burger. Sales went through the roof. They market tested a hand-made, whole milk, extra butterfat, real ice cream shake and added a dollar to the price, a huge factor in a market that sweats every penny when it comes to cost increases. With no advertising, sales go through the same big fat hole-in-the-roof already created by their burgers. Hardee’s is dumping their low-cal soft serve shakes and those expensive stainless steel machines that make them and has begun the high calorie conversion at all 1,909 stores. Carl's Jr. is still testing the new shakes at some of its 959 stores but you can bet they’ll opt for poundage, too. The vanilla, chocolate, strawberry and peach shakes might be joined by a mocha breakfast shake, taking the morning market to new levels of profitability.

Burger King’s Enormous Omelet Sandwich, another recent new product introduction, is a major hit for a company that has been struggling with its breakfast business. Now they’re just struggling to keep up with the demand. Pizza chains double-stuff their crusts, c-stores serve Slurpee’s and sodas in containers so large the bottoms have to be contoured to fit in a Humvee’s drink holders. Is anyone really going to a fast food restaurant for the healthy food menu? Get real!

OK, here is the truth. Add fat, taste and a bucket load of calories to your products and you’ll make a killing. Trash the fat, taste and calories, and you’re serving 2% of the public. Do you want to make large bank deposits at night or go to sleep feeling noble the night before you appear in court for your bankruptcy hearing?

The public has spoken and the message was muffled by a mouthful of ten thousand quarter pounders with cheese.

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Chuck Jolley is a marketing executive who's been associated with the food industry for over 25 years. He's helped develop advertising and public relations programs for Cryovac, the world's largest flexible packaging company, and published MEAT&POULTRY, the leading trade magazine in the meat and poultry industry. He's worked with major companies in the meat, poultry, seafood, baking, dairy and fresh produce industries.Contact: crjolley@msn.com